It's been a minute.
Kids have graduated and we are half-empty and half full at any given moment. September is moving quickly and almost over. This time of year is so very different than years ago with the rush of the first day of school, yet we seem to be booked now with events until the middle of November. Making all those school lunches that always came home uneaten and parent-teacher interviews are now traded in for medical appointments, dinner with friends, film festivals, travel and more.
I am working full-time and am grateful I have the flexibility to work from home. But something my mother told me lingers in my thoughts... "looking after me is also a full time job...". I did not really understand this until recently. It's not that health is not a priority, but it becomes front and centre as we age. All of a sudden I am answering "yes" questions on health forms, asking my Secret Santa for an "AM/PM seven-day pill box for my stocking and I now check my blood sugars like a pro and even get off on numbers between 5 - 10 depending on the time of day I am checking (I'm a weirdo).
It is interesting, this "almost-empty-nesting". I literally don't know who will be home for dinner, and one thing that I pride myself on is having enough (more than enough!) food for everyone. There are days when I cook for an army and and it ends up being a dinner for two, and then other days where everyone ends up at our house, and the hamster in my head starts brainstorming dinner ideas as I have not prepped. But at the end of the day, somehow, we are able to figure it out and feed everyone.
And then the pause.
Puppy paws?
Menopause?
Pausing in general?
All of the above.
Recently I had my physical and my doctor gently asked "how has the alcohol been?". I had a thought bubble pop up saying "Oh my fucking GOD it has been fabulous! We had the best wine! Ceasar's on the beach! A shit-ton of beer cuz my baby brother is a micro-brewer and there was this one beer that was aged in...". You get it. I then quietly muttered...."yeah, it was probably daily for a week" (really it was a fucking month)..."and I am taking a bit of a pause."
Then there's the menopause. It sucks ass and is bliss at the same time. I am deliriously happy that I no longer have to buy tampons and pads and liners. Happy without the mess. But it has been a slog in other ways. Meno-rage hit me first at work years ago and I ended up on an antidepressant for a bit. I felt so much shame, but my pharmacist was so kind. She saw the look on my face and said that half of the people in the grocery store are on this medication and not to worry. I am off that now. I had hot flashes in my late 40's, but those seem to have dwindled, though sometimes they make an encore appearance. The hormones, or lack there of, and the extra hair on my face is just a bonus. I wax and pluck. So there's that.
My world view has shifted a bit as I am now closer to 60 than to 50. The kids, hubby and puppy are still the centre of my world, but the kids need me in a different way. I have found that to be both difficult and freeing at the same time. My parents are ageing gracefully with a few hiccups that have been manageable. I am grateful that though I live thousands of miles away, I have been able to visit and help them when needed. My vertigo still rears its ugly head from time to time, but I am able to manage it, and not let it ruin too many plans. So, what does this all mean? It means it is the time for me to prioritise seeing my parents more, making time for my kids in a different way and creating opportunities for loved ones, both family and friends to spend time together.
It is time to pause. Time to breathe. Time to sit. Time to nap. Time to take time and make time for me so I can continue to enjoy the people that bring me joy: friends who are family and family who are friends; parents, siblings, amazing in-laws and out-laws, loud cousins that I adore, nieces and nephews, friends and neighbours.
And the puppy paws...she continues to bring joy and cuteness to our world!
